February has been rough and there’s still more to go. That said, I am hanging in okay, although I have been more slack on the blogging than I usually am. Been having a hard time getting motivated and am struggling for something to say to sum up how I’m feeling/what’s been going on. Here’s a quick rundown:
- Cuba was bittersweet. I thought I knew the meaning of that word before, but it seems like my understanding has been heightened. Going was a good move and on the whole; we had a good time and I think I’ve returned in a better headspace than I was in before I left. (Phew! Hope it lasts). That said, it was tough being there without Joey. Even when I am having a good time, there is always something missing; hence my newfound ability to experience joy and sorrow simultaneously. I felt the same way when Gus was born. Honored and elated to be there, but indescribably sad that Joey couldn’t be there in person to get all up in Kimberly’s business. And how much would he love checking out how Gus looked when he ate his first avacado:
Or drive across Canada with me? Or be there for any number of special occasions with the special people in our life? You get my drift.
- Valentine’s sucked, but not as badly as I thought it would. I think the key to limping through the rest of my life is to embrace all of the “crazy widow shit” that will be a part of who I am from now on. As if I wasn’t loopy enough before. The journaling, the ceremonies, the locket rings that Richard claims “make me look like a cokehead”, I’m embracing it all. I am tackling my grief head on because I don’t want it to bite me in the ass later. Or at the very least, chomp with gums and not teeth.
- I got a new couch; I am trying to restructure to some degree. It is interesting that those who know me best feel that this is a very positive step forward. Plus, now there is somewhere comfy for people to sleep when they come to visit. I’ll be accepting bookings soon.
- I’m still working on trying to get better and am branching even further out of my comfort zone to try new means to achieve this end. Better, but not perfect. Better than abysmal and better than completely hopeless. That’s a damn good start.